Wear Sunglasses

Muitos de vocês devem lembrar daquele video que começou a rolar na internet por volta de 2002 ou 2003, intitulado "Wear Sunscreen". Anos atrás eu escrevi minha própria versão parodiada do texto, chamada "Wear Sunglasses", na esperança que algum dia seria capaz de editar vídeos e fazer um clipe que seria visto por milhões de pessoas naquilo que hoje em dia é o YouTube - e todo mundo riria, seria legal, mas no mundo real eu não tenho nem saco para fazer isso; logo me atenho a escrever.

Wear sunglasses.

If I could offer you only one tip for the present, sunglasses would be it. The short-term benefits of sunglasses during a hangover have been proved by junkies, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own night-time roving experience. I will give this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of sex. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of sex until you fail. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of the chicks and guys you had and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility of getting laid you had and how fabulous sex really looked. You are not as vigorous as you imagine.

Don't worry about your liver. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to drink a double scotch after a couple of tequila shots. The real troubles in your life are apt to drink things that have never crossed your sick throat, the kind that makes you blackout at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that excites you.

Swing.

Always be sarcastic with other people's feelings. And if anyone is sarcastic with your own feelings, just kick their sorry asses.

Orgies.

Don't waste your time in queues. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The queue is long and, in the end, there's only a dirty toilet or some dude selling beer.

Be proud of the compliments you receive. Fuck the insults. If you succeed in doing this, fuck you too.

Make a bonfire with your old love letters. Shove your old bank statements down the throat of people you don't like at all just for the fun of doing it.

Shrek.

Don't feel bad if you don't know what you want to do with your fucking life. The most interesting-looking chicks I knew didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-old-chicks are not still as hot today as they used to be at 22.

Get plenty of fun. Be kind to your knees. If you like to blow other people's johnsons, you'll miss them when they're gone. Please remember that this is not my kind of thing.

Maybe you'll die, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be blessed with the gift of immortality, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll die at 40, maybe you'll dance some techno-beat on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't push yourself too much, or beat yourself either. Your choices are half chance. Either you die, or someone kills you.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It might lead you straight to jail, but there are some guys or ladies there that will enjoy your body as much as you do.

Trance, even if you have nothing more than some aspirins and bad vodka.

Have a medical prescription, even if you don't follow it.

Do not read porn magazines. They will only make you feel horny.

Watch your parents. You never know when they'll be gone to buy some food. Be kind to your siblings. They might always have some good-looking chick or guy with whom you might score.

Understand that friends come and go, but try to hang out more with the ones that practise friendly sex. Work hard to fill the gaps in the Kama Sutra and junkie-lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need people to help you doing it so.

Live in New York City once, but leave before some islamic extremist explodes it. Live in Northern California once, but leave before some gigantic tsunami-wave swallows it. Travel a lot, seriously. It's safer than staying still.

Accept certain inalienable truths about alcohol: Prices will rise. Politicians will drink. You, too, will drink it. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you had a liver, prices were reasonable, politicians were sober and children respected their elders.

Have children ever respected their elders? Nay...

Don't expect anyone else to withstand you. Maybe you're a sick bastard. Maybe you'll have a Ferrari or a Porsche. But you never know when either one might run out of gas.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 you'll have a permanent mohawk hair cut.

Be careful whose stuff you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Drinking is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of digging your own way into a sanitarium, shaving yourself entirely, covering your private ugly parts with butter and recycling it for more than just food.

But trust me on the sunglasses.